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The following is a direct excerpt from my recently published book, Coach Your Self Up.

Odds are, you have at least one person in your life that you would consider some form of coach. This might be a friend, a colleague, a family member, a boss, etc. And maybe you have been fortunate enough to work with a professional coach in some capacity.

Coaches are helpful in many ways. When I ask people what they see as attributes of a good coach, common responses include:

  • “He encourages me to pursue my goals.”
  • “She helps me to look at different perspectives.”
  • “He cares about me and my well-being.”
  • “She challenges my thinking.”
  • “He helps me find the answers that are already within me.”
  • “She supports me in becoming a better me.”

Of course, there are many other attributes of good coaches, but this is a solid list. And as a professional coach, I believe it is of great value for you to have one or more coaches in your life.

That said, who do you talk to more than anybody else? This is not a trick question, and to the best of my knowledge, the answer is the same for all or almost all of us. We talk to ourselves more than anybody else. (And for those of you hearing that voice inside your head that’s saying, “I don’t know what he’s talking about.” That’s the self-talk I am referring to.)


     You are your most important coach.

This is often an overlooked and hence under-utilized internal resource or capability.


How cool would it be to cultivate an inner coaching voice to bring to some of those conversations you already have with yourself?

To encourage you.

To challenge you.

To help you see different perspectives.

To help you become a better you.

That, in a nutshell, is what Coach Your Self Up is all about.

This is not about replacing the other coaches in your life. The ability to coach one’s self is simply additive to this mix. In fact, while a bit oxymoronic, the most effective self-coaching will involve the support of others.

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In his recent podcast on Embracing a Growth Mindset, Mike Robbins said something that made me shout out loud, “That’s it!!” He said (something like), “When people ask me for advice on career development, I tell them the most powerful thing they can do is to make a commitment to their ongoing personal growth and development….to deepen their own self-awareness.”

I’m fully aligned with Mike on this and have been expressing this sentiment for years, but in a much more roundabout way. I love the clarity and directness of Mike’s wording, and it led me to this idea: Personal development is career development.

The goal of my self-coaching work is to help people tap further into their potential by becoming more self-aware. Deepening one’s self-knowledge is an important aspect of taking ownership of one’s career. That’s what will make learning to be one’s own coach such a potent cornerstone of the next generation of career development.

As this idea (that personal development is career development) is not yet mainstream, personal development is underrepresented in today’s career development mosaic. This gap provides HR and Learning & Development professionals an exciting opportunity to experiment with innovative approaches for bringing personal development into the workplace to support employee career growth. Self-coaching is one innovative approach to consider.

Career Development – Three Pillars

Although a bit simplified, I think that a robust approach to career development has three main pillars. They are (1) Identifying career goals and/or a vision, (2) developing technical/functional skills, and (3) working on behaviors and thought patterns.

1 – Identifying Career Goals and/or a Vision

In order to engage in meaningful career development efforts, it is helpful to set goals and honestly assess where one wants to go. Many organizations have this pillar reasonably well covered and provide career development plans where employees can document their goals and discuss them with their managers.

2 – Developing Technical/Functional Skills

In some organizations, developing technical/functional skills is referred to as working on “the what” of one’s career development (i.e., “what” a person does). This may start with a gap analysis to determine where a person is today vs. her/his stated career goals or vision.

Gaps become the fodder for identifying appropriate development actions. For instance, an individual may need to deepen his skill set with certain platforms or tools. Another individual may need to broaden her understanding of other parts of her department to become more holistic in her thinking and planning. Regardless of the particulars, the main point is for each person to create a plan—and execute on it—to close those skill-based gaps.

3 – Working on Behaviors and Thought Patterns

Some organizations refer to working on behaviors and thought patterns as working on “the how” of one’s career development (i.e., “how” a person gets work done). Tying back to the premise of this article, I see this pillar as personal development, or development of the self.

Of the three pillars, this one often gets the least amount of attention and support within organizations.


I believe this is tied to the still somewhat prevalent idea that personal development is only applicable outside the realm of the workplace. It’s “personal,” hence not “business.” This is an outdated philosophy that needs to be further challenged.


While increasing numbers of organizations are more open to embracing personal development, it may still not get the attention it deserves because (a) modifying behaviors and thought patterns is inherently complex and (b) unlike more measurable or skill/knowledge-based outcomes, personal development may feel squishy and hard to define.

The world continues to change rapidly and it’s time for this type of career development to have its day in the sun. The head of HR at one of my clients said it well, “What could be more important to employees in taking ownership of their careers than learning to see where their behaviors get in their own way… and giving them tools to address that?”(Read more in my February, 2016 blog entitled Self-Coaching – Empowering Employees to Take Ownership of Their Careers.)

 

The Bottom Line

Personal development is career development.


Personal development is intensely important to one’s professional path regardless of one’s specific career goals.


Other than identifying career goals and/or a career vision, the one thing a person can control is how s/he “shows up” at work. This includes how s/he behaves, how s/he interacts with others, and how s/he manages her/himself, etc. Giving people the chance— and the support—to better understand their blind spots, self-limiting beliefs or stories, for example, may be the most important thing that today’s enlightened organizations can do to help individuals shape their career trajectories.

 For Further Reflection

For individuals: What practices will you commit to in order to learn more about yourself and start making shifts toward being your best, most successful self?

For organizations: What innovative approaches will you experiment with to offer powerful personal development opportunities to your employees to help them take more ownership of their careers and become more successful, not only at work, but in all aspects of their lives?

 

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I’m excited to share that I’m writing the “Coach Your Self Up” book about my approach to self-coaching. The book format is allowing me to add powerful new content and tools beyond what’s in the classroom program of the same name.
One new tool is a Self-Observation Worksheet designed to help individuals develop and support their self-observation practice.

Why a Self-Observation Worksheet?
First, let me remind you of where self-observation fits into the self-coaching process. Self-coaching is aimed at helping individuals make a sustained behavioral shift around what they perceive to be a self-limiting behavior. Self-observation means paying attention to “what’s going on for you” when you are engaging in the behavior you are trying to shift.

• Instead of trying to make a quick fix, there is great value in first observing your behavior in-depth over time. This allows you to get to the feelings, stories and triggers underlying the behavior. With observation comes understanding. You can then identify an underlying story, and ultimately challenge that story and experiment with acting differently.

Check Out the Worksheet
Assume you have decided to work on shifting a self-limiting behavior (SLB), such as “frequently interrupting others” or “not speaking up in meetings.” Using a worksheet gives you one place to capture and organize all your reflections pertaining to this behavior.
There are two sections delineating the “outer” work (top section) and the “inner” work (bottom section). This is a powerful visual reminder of the importance of doing the inner work to support an outer (behavioral) change. It is also helpful to see what inner forces are supporting the continuation of your current behavior. This may give you more insight into why making this particular change is not easy.

Here are some helpful hints on how to best utilize this tool.
1. Document the self-limiting behavior (SLB) you would like to shift. The worksheet gives you some ideas for selecting a self-limiting behavior to work on.
2. Create a “flipped” aspirational statement. You are more likely to make and sustain a behavioral shift if it is in service of becoming a better you. The worksheet references ideas from the Coach Your Self Up program on how to create a powerful aspirational statement.
3. Use the bottom half of the worksheet to capture key insights from your ongoing self-observation practices. As mentioned above, self-observation means paying attention to “what’s going on for you” when you are engaging in the behavior you want to shift. The form includes some sample questions to consider as you seek to identify the feelings, triggers, and stories that underlie this SLB.
4. As you increase your self-awareness about your SLB, you will get more clarity around any underlying stories. You are then able to challenge these stories and experiment with responding in new ways.

I hope this gives you a good start. In my next post I will share a completed Self-Observation Worksheet to help bring it more fully to life.

For those of you that would like to experiment with this approach, here’s a link to a soft copy of the worksheet that you can use. Let me know if you have any questions or feedback to share.

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We all have pet peeves. There are people or things that “push our buttons.” When our buttons are pushed we tend to become more stressed and agitated. More self-awareness of our triggers, and how they affect us, is important to reducing the corresponding stress.

Triggers Come in Many Forms
Let’s start by looking at some example triggers. I’ve divided them by how they show up: in our bodies, our worlds, and our minds.

Triggers can be felt sensations in your body. Maybe your palms get sweaty when you are nervous about saying something in a meeting. Maybe you get a pit in your stomach when you are presented with something that feels overly risky. It could be that you feel short of breath in certain situations. And some of you may feel your emotions in your body, which can sometimes be a trigger.

Triggers can be in your world, experienced directly via one or more of your five senses. One of the most common triggers is a specific person. You can be triggered by seeing them, hearing their voice, or even just reading their name. Some triggers are more situational. For example, maybe you’re triggered when you hear someone complaining.

Triggers can also be in your mind. You might be triggered by things you perceive as right or wrong, or good or bad. You might believe that an idea won’t work because you’ve tried to do something similar in the past and it didn’t work. When you have these thoughts, you may be triggered to dig in your heels and be less open-minded.

Identifying the Impact of Known Triggers
Let’s look at one of my known triggers to see how it may impact my behavior.

For example, I know that I am triggered by what I consider to be inconsiderate drivers. Drivers that dangerously weave in and out of freeway traffic without their turn signals. Drivers that tailgate. (You may be able to add to this list!)

In this case, I would ask myself, “how do these triggers impact me?” I might know the answer right off, or, if not, I’ll pay attention to myself to collect “data” the next few times I’m triggered behind the wheel. I might notice that I get really angry and yell out loud in my car. I might notice that I carry some of this anger/stress with me to my destination. I might notice that this impacts my mood for some period of time after I’ve gotten out of my car. Etc…

This provides grist for the internal mill. It’s a great time to ask myself challenging questions, such as “is it healthy for me to be taking on stress due to other people’s driving habits? Do I want my mood to be affected in this way and even impact my interactions with other people?” If the answer to one or both of those questions is “no,” I can use my awareness of this trigger to identify counter-measures.

Here are some ideas I can try:
• Taking a deep breath and relaxing each time I’m triggered by another driver.
• Yelling inside my car to let out ..and let go of…the anger energy.
• Checking myself when I arrive at my destination to ensure that I’ve let go of any associated stress or anger and that I’m not carrying that with me as I leave my car.

Identifying Triggers Corresponding to Known Self-Limiting Behaviors
Now let’s work in the opposite direction. When working on altering Self-Limiting Behaviors, it’s helpful to pay attention to identify any triggers that may be associated with the behavior you are trying to shift.

For example, if you are working on interrupting others less often, as you pay attention to your interruption pattern, you may learn that your interruptions are prefaced by (a) a feeling of frustration that the speaker is not getting to her/his point or (b) thinking that the only way for you to get your point across is to interrupt or (c, d, e…)

As you become more familiar with the trigger, this gives you the power to pre-empt your self-limiting behavior. For the example above, when you notice that you are frustrated that the speaker is not getting to her/his point, you can tell yourself something like “ok, this is usually how I feel just before I interrupt.”

Over time, you may then be able to move from just noticing your trigger to experimenting with behaving differently. Maybe your self-narrative changes to “there’s that frustration feeling. Let’s not interrupt this time. Let’s try to let go of this feeling of frustration and just hear the person out.”

Try This Out!
Think about your own life. Choose one thing that you know triggers you and spend some time self-observing and reflecting on how that impacts you and those around you. Start to experiment with tactics (e.g., take some deep breaths) that will help to diminish or eliminate any negative side-effects you experience from this trigger.

Remember, small shifts lead to big changes.

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We are sense-making creatures. Our brains are wired to help us navigate our lives by creating stories to make sense of our world, our day-to-day experiences. Having self-awareness to see when you are telling yourself a story is powerful. Even more powerful is having a simple tool to help you challenge those stories to assess their level of “truthfulness.”

In today’s post (Challenging Your Stories, Part II of II), I’ll provide an example of using the approach that I shared in last month’s blog (Part I).

How We Operate – The Ladder of Inference
In last month’s blog, I highlighted that we each “climb” our own unique Ladder of Inference (inside our heads) which is how we generate our stories (i.e., assumptions, conclusions, beliefs, etc.). This happens so seamlessly that we tend to operate as if our stories are facts, or what I call capital T Truth. In fact, these stories are our truth, with a small t.

A Simple Example
I assume you can relate to this one. You’ve sent an email to somebody (Jack) and did not receive a response. Based on this you know that Jack is mad at you. It’s the Truth. Hence, you act accordingly. You start to avoid Jack in order to ensure you don’t have an unpleasant encounter. After all, he is mad at you.

Challenging Your Stories – An Example
Last month we introduced a set of five questions that can be used to challenge your stories. Let’s apply those five questions to the example above. Your story is ‘that Jack is mad at you’ (because he did not respond to your email). (Below represents a conversation you have with yourself.)

Question #1 – “How do you know that to be true?” (That Jack is mad at you.)
“In the past, when he didn’t respond to some of my other emails, it turned out that he was mad at me.”

Question #2 – “What other valid stories could one create based upon the same observable data?” (Note, the observable data here is that Jack did not respond to your email.)
“Sure, there are lots of reasons why he may not be responding to my emails. He might be super busy with other priorities. Or maybe something difficult is going on in his personal life. Hmmm. I guess I can’t really be certain that he’s mad at me.”
By identifying other possible stories, your brain is loosening its grip on your story about Jack being mad at you. Your brain starts to allow that ‘maybe this isn’t the Truth (with a capital T).’

Question #3 – “How might you act differently if you didn’t believe this story to be true?”
“Firstly, I wouldn’t be trying to avoid Jack. Secondly, I would be more proactive in getting his input either by resending those emails and/or stopping by his desk.”

Question #4 – Do you think it would serve you to act in that way?”
“YES! I need his input to move forward on an important project.”

Question #5 – How will you experiment with acting differently?”
“I’ll just do it. I’ll stop avoiding Jack. If I see him, I will ask him about it. And I will resend the email. Maybe I’ll preface it with a sentence asking if he has the time to get to this by tomorrow, or if not what quick advice might he have for me to push this forward.”

A Powerful Technique
I hope you can see how powerful these questions can be. You can imagine that this self-talk “conversation” only takes a few minutes. Of course, it is not always this easy…but often it is!

Let’s look at this situation from a more distanced viewpoint. You were stuck on some things due to the situation with Jack. If asked why you were stuck you would be likely to say something like “It’s pretty hard to make any progress when Jack is mad at me.” As we’ve shown, it was NOT Jack being mad at you that had you stuck; It was your story that Jack was mad at you that was getting in your way.

Try This Out!
Think about your own current situation. Where do you have assumptions (stories) at play that may be blocking your forward progress? Try challenging one of these stories using the five questions above and see what action / next step emerges to propel you forward.

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We are sense-making creatures. Our brains are wired to help us navigate our lives by creating stories to make sense of our world and our day-to-day experiences. The self-awareness to see when you are telling yourself a story is powerful. It’s even more powerful to have a simple tool to help you challenge those stories and assess their level of “truthfulness.”

Today I’ll share one tool – a set of questions – that you can use to challenge your stories.

How We Operate – The Ladder of Inference
I’ve written about the Ladder of Inference before. We all take in ‘data’ and experiences, much like a video-recorder would capture them. We then respond / act based upon that input. However, a lot takes place in our brains (sometimes in the blink of an eye), in between the stimulus and response.

In that blink of an eye, we add meaning (assumptions, conclusions, opinions, beliefs) to the observable data, based on our own Ladder of Inference. These are our stories. This Ladder – and our stories – are 100% unique to each of us as they are built upon our own life experiences.

We tend to operate as if our stories are facts, or what I call “capital T” Truth. But these stories are often just our truth, with a small t.

Quick Example
I assume you can relate to this one. You’ve sent an email to somebody (Jack) and did not receive a response. Based on this you know that Jack is mad at you. It’s the Truth. Hence, you act accordingly. You start to avoid Jack in order to ensure you don’t have an unpleasant encounter. After all, he is mad at you.

Challenging Your Stories
Once you start to be more aware of your stories – and see them as stories rather than the Truth – the door opens to begin to question or challenge them.

This will allow you to more objectively evaluate just how “truthful” your stories are. By stepping back, you often find that your assumptions aren’t the Truth (with a capital T). This realization can allow you to experiment with how you might respond or act differently to whatever situation you are faced with.

Here’s a go-to list of effective questions that you can use to challenge your stories:

1. How do you know that (story – whatever you are thinking) to be true?

2. What other valid stories are possible based upon the same observable data?

3. How might you act differently if you didn’t believe that story to be true?

4. Do you think it would serve you to act that new way?

5. How will you experiment with acting differently?

For question #2, the goal is NOT to create a laundry list, but to come up with at least one or two. Just knowing that there are other possible stories loosens your brain’s “lock” on your story being the Truth (capital T).

In question #5, the word “experiment” is important. If you think about a scientist conducting an experiment, there is never a “failure.” Although the outcome may not be what was intended or hoped for, the experiment reveals information / an outcome. In this spirit of experimentation, it can be easier to go for it and to review what happened with a neutral non-judgmental stance.

Question #5 leads to an action. Walking through the five questions should always result in an action that moves you forward.

Summary
We are wired to create stories to make sense of our experiences. Our own Ladder of Inference is generating stories (assumptions, opinions, conclusions, beliefs) on an ongoing basis.

Being able to see when you are treating your stories, your truth, as the Truth, is great self-awareness. Taking the next step to challenge those stories, to assess their level of truthfulness, can serve you.

In my next blog, I will share a detailed example of how to use the five challenging questions I introduced above.

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Do you know which of your behaviors most get in your way? Do you get help from your trusted friends and colleagues in your personal and professional development? The Johari Window is a model that illustrates, in a very simple manner, how you can leverage the power of others to accelerate your own growth and development. Let’s see how it can help you.

The Johari Window

The Johari window (image above) was created in 1955 by two American psychologists, Joseph Luft (1916–2014) and Harrington Ingham (1914–1995), to help people better understand their relationship with self and others. It’s a really useful framework to reflect on how you see yourself vs. how others see you. Let’s take a look at its four quadrants:

(1) ‘Public’ / ‘Open’: things about you that both you and others are aware of.

(2) ‘Hidden’ / ‘Façade’: things about you that you are aware of, but others are not.

(3) ‘Blind Spot’: information about you that you are not aware of, but others are.

(4) ‘Unknown’: information about you that neither you nor others are aware of.

Finding Areas for Improvement

Are you familiar with the concept of a blind spot when driving? These are certain places around our vehicle that are not visible to us in our mirrors at a given moment in time. Awareness of blind spots is key to being a better driver because we will look more intentionally to see what’s there (e.g., before switching lanes).

Like the cars, we as humans also have blind spots regarding our own behaviors. Many of us operate, however, without wanting to “see what’s there.”


To accelerate your personal development, it will serve you to proactively identify those self-limiting behaviors that are in your blind spot.


To identify these self-limiting behaviors is actually quite simple, but not always easy. Start by soliciting feedback from individuals whom you trust and will be honest with you. These should be people who care about you and your growth and who see you in action on a regular basis and hence have a valid perspective on how you “show up.”

Here are a couple of ways to approach these individuals (your ‘support team’):

  • Ask an open-ended question such as “I’m curious. If you were to encourage me to shift one thing about my behavior so that I could be more successful, what would that be?” Give people time to consider this instead of expecting an on-the-spot response.
  • Show them a list of common self-limiting behaviors (here’s a list from my prior blog) and ask them to highlight any that they see in you.

In seeking out this information, you are effectively “expanding” your Public quadrant while shrinking the size of your Blind Spot quadrant (see image below). This increases your awareness of how you are perceived by others.

 

 

Working on Your Areas for Improvement

The Johari Window framework not only helps you to identify behaviors to work on, as described above. It also illustrates a simple approach to working on those behaviors.


You can further accelerate your personal development by disclosing what you are working on with trusted individuals that can provide you with feedback on how you are doing.


For example, let’s say you’ve learned of a blind spot around how much “space” you take up in meetings. You decide you want to work on speaking less and listening more. But don’t stop there. Tell a few close colleagues about this, and ask them to observe you and give you feedback. Their help will make it more likely that you’ll shift your behavior…and faster.

In this instance, you are effectively expanding your Public quadrant and shrinking your Hidden quadrant. (See image below.)

 

 

Use Your Public Quadrant to Support Your Personal and Professional Growth

The size of the Public quadrant in your Johari Window is owned by you. As we just discovered:

  • You can expand the Public quadrant horizontally, reducing your Blind Spot quadrant, by soliciting feedback from people you trust.
  • You can expand your Public quadrant vertically, reducing your Hidden quadrant, by disclosing your development areas to trusted individuals.

It’s your career. It’s your life. Be discerning on when/how to leverage the power of others to accelerate your own growth and development.

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What if you changed how you “show up” in the world? I’d argue that it could positively alter your life. That said, it’s tough, if not impossible, to be a ‘new you’ in one fell swoop. But the good news is that big changes are possible if you make small shifts on an ongoing basis.

As I’ve written about in prior blogs, we all get in our own way. Self-limiting behaviors are often deeply entrenched habitual patterns that are years or decades in the making. The idea of shifting even one such behavior can be daunting and trigger significant resistance. “It’s too big to tackle” or “It’s the way I’m wired” are examples of the self-talk that emerges when we begin to confront our self-limiting behaviors.

Small Shifts Lead to Big Changes

It doesn’t need to be daunting. Think of a meteor on a collision course with Earth. Scientists believe (and hopefully they are right!) that we could send a rocket into space and create an explosion that would just nick the trajectory of that meteor…less than a one-degree course change. After that, the meteor wouldn’t just miss the earth; it would miss it by miles.

 

Like the meteor, your life and career are on a trajectory. Imagine a graph with potential realized on the vertical axis and time on the horizontal axis (see image above). By making small shifts in your behavior, the cumulative effect over time can be profound! Think of this as “radical incrementalism”.

Here’s an example. Take someone who frequently interrupts others. It’s pretty easy to imagine what that person’s “trajectory” will look like if s/he doesn’t work on that self-limiting behavior. But what if that person starts to make small shifts toward becoming a better listener. How much more of their potential will that person have realized in 6 months? A year? Five years?

The Simple, Real-World, Manager Test

When I present this concept to groups of employees I ask the managers in the room, “Are you more likely to give new opportunities to employees who are proactively working on developing themselves, vs their peers who are not doing so?” The answer is always a resounding “yes.”


The way you “show up,” (the way you behave, the way you interact with others), WILL influence the types of opportunities that present themselves to you in your career and in your life.


Instead of resisting this inner work because it seems too hard, push yourself to take bite-size steps that over time will add up to big changes for you.

Different Labels – Similar Concepts

I saw Robert Egger, Founder and President of LA Kitchen, present recently at a Conscious Business Leaders Forum. He talked about his philosophy of “radical incrementalism;” continuing to chip away at something small piece by small piece.  Although he used it in a societal context, I love this phrase and it absolutely applies to our individual growth.

Amy Cuddy, famous for her viral TED Talk on power posing, has recently published a book called ‘Presence – Bringing your Boldest Self to your Biggest Challenges.’ She dedicates an entire chapter to what she calls ‘Self-Nudging’ which is all about making small, incremental shifts.

And there’s Jeremy Hunter, an associate professor at the Peter F. Drucker Graduate School of Management at Claremont Graduate University. He describes this process as “bending your future.”


By applying radical incrementalism – making ongoing small shifts in our behavior – we are literally “bending our future” toward realizing more of our potential and being our best selves.


Making it Personal

Over the last few years I’ve been bending my own future. I now see this as life-long work…always shifting, always bending! One of the most important things I’ve been working on is worrying less about “needing everyone to like me.” This perceived need led to many self-limiting behaviors where I took care of others at my own expense.

I’m also working hard on being more present and focusing my attention on the individual(s) or task at hand in a given moment. It is all about tiny shifts forward!

Where might you start making small incremental shifts to start bending your future toward achieving more of your potential?

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We like to do things fast.

“Clear the to-do list.”             “Check the box.”              “Done.”

Our need for speed will almost always backfire when we’re trying to make changes to our behaviors or mindset. To make a sustainable change, we need to slow down and pay attention to what we are currently up to, our “as-is” state.

Think about New Year’s resolutions. Anecdotally it’s safe to say that a significant majority of those desired behavioral shifts fall by the wayside fairly quickly. The gyms are full in January; February, not so much.

One missing ingredient is self-observation. For illustrative purposes, let’s imagine you have a self-limiting behavior (which I’ve written about in prior blogs) of “frequently interrupting others” and have a stated aspirational goal of becoming a great listener.

Instead of simply biting your tongue to stop interrupting others (which might work for a few days or even a few weeks), my experience working with many individuals over time suggests that your best bet is to start by developing a self-observation practice.


However counter-intuitive it may seem one needs to spend ample time simply noticing their as-is state.


A Non-Judgmental Stance – You Are a Scientist

When you start paying attention to a behavior that you see as “needing improvement,” your Inner Critic is likely to become agitated and vocal. (“Wow, I had no idea I interrupt others THIS often, man, I really do suck.”)

An approach I suggest is to consider yourself a scientist collecting information about an interesting specimen. That’s you! Scientists are trained to be objective neutral observers. The data itself is interesting and insightful.

The Inner Critic will not go away but there is hope. When you shift your inner dialogue from beating yourself up (“I can’t believe I interrupt others this often”) to one of curiosity (“Wow, this is fascinating, I had no idea I interrupted others this often. I wonder what’s up with that?), amazing opportunities to affect change can happen.

Just as a scientist records her/his observations, I suggest getting started by picking a self-limiting behavior and recording the answers to a few questions like these a few times a week.

  1. How often in the last few days did I <interrupt others>?
  2. Roughly how much time elapsed between my <interrupting others> and my awareness of it?

Over time, your brain will realize that you are paying attention to this self-limiting behavior (interrupting others) and will bring it to your attention more quickly. This allows you to start digging underneath the surface behavior (interrupting others) to investigate the underlying “stories” at play.

Doing the Inner Work to Support the Outer Change

Those underlying “stories” (the inner work) hold the key to making a sustainable shift in a self-limiting behavior (the outer work).

For example, with the self-limiting behavior of interrupting others, a person may find an underlying story that “I need to speak over people in order to ensure my ideas are heard” or “If I dominate the conversation I will ultimately get what I want” or maybe even “I know I am right and don’t want to waste my time hearing other ideas.”

Whatever it is, seeing what is truly going on underneath the surface gives you new awareness / insight into the behavior. And this is where the real opportunity is. If you simply change the outer behavior (bite your tongue and stop interrupting others) without addressing what’s going on inside of you, I can assure you the behavior change will be short-lived.

So, before you race ahead to make your next behavioral change, do yourself a favor and give yourself permission to spend some time to more fully understand your current as-is state. Watch yourself.

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I wonder if reading through this brief blog could lead you to a powerful new insight?

I spent some time recently with a friend and colleague, Julie Stuart. She introduced me to some new ideas, including the idea of “wondering”.

As we wandered through lovely Redwood Regional Park in the Oakland Hills, she began to show me how easy and powerful this practice is.


I wonder if getting outside might help you shift perspectives on something where you feel stuck?


The following is a rough take on our conversation.

Julie: “I’m really enjoying the practice of wondering. The idea is that we try to drop all our preconceived thoughts about why we can or can’t do something and simply wonder aloud about things. Would you be willing to try that with me?”

Me: (Thinking…I’m not sure how I can drop all my preconceived thoughts about stuff..so this sounds like it will be hard.)

Me: “I’m feeling some resistance to this but sure, let’s go for it and see how it goes.”

Julie: “OK. The way we’ll do this is that I’ll wonder something aloud and then it’s your turn. We’ll keep taking turns and see where it leads.”

Me: “Sounds good.”

Julie: “I wonder what it would be like if you weren’t feeling resistance to this?”

Me: (Thinking…Damn, I better come up with a good ‘wonder’ else she will think I’m lame. Wait, that’s my stupid inner critic getting in my way. Just dive in!)

Me: “I wonder where else my resistance gets in my way?”

Julie: “I wonder what I’m going to have for dinner tonight?”

Me: “ (Thinking…OMG. I love you for saying that. You’ve just removed all the stress/resistance I was feeling about this having to be super serious and perfect.)

Me: “I wonder if my girlfriend and I will watch a movie tonight?”

Exiting the conversation and returning to the blog. This went on for a while. After a few minutes, Julie lightly shifted our focus by saying “I’m going to start wondering about your business if that’s ok with you.” It was.

We ended up on a park bench staring at the beautiful tree-covered rolling hills. Julie made it clear that I could “jump out” of our wondering at any time if I felt called to have a conversation about what was coming up. We began flowing back and forth between conversation and additional wondering. It was beautiful.

Suffice to say that LOTS of new and interesting ideas came forward during the remainder of that conversation.


I wonder what aspects of your current top priorities could benefit from a bit of wondering?


Fast forward to that evening. I was telling my girlfriend about this activity and could tell she was intrigued. I suggested that maybe we try it. She had no hesitation and was ready to jump right in.

It proved to be both enjoyable and valuable. There was an issue she had been wrestling with for a while (and I had been talking about it with her and doing some light coaching on it). Well, in about 10 minutes of wondering, she came up with multiple new ideas and insights that led to positive action. Wow. 10 minutes.

There’s something about “wondering” that feels less daunting or stressful. There’s no need to get it right or be perfect. Wondering can be playful and we can “wonder” things that we might not be comfortable “stating” or “asking.” There’s a freedom here that makes a real difference in the types of questions and ideas that come forth.

Wondering cues imagination. Our more normal modes of thinking tend to be limiting and keep us (often unknowingly) closed down. Wondering and imagining are expansive and open us up.

Here’s a cool HBR blog that was posted just a few days ago entitled 5 Questions Leaders Should Be Asking All the Time. I was excited to see that “I wonder….?” Is included in the list.

I’ve become a bit of a “wondering evangelist.” I attended a coaching conference last week and couldn’t contain myself from sharing this with many other coaches. And here I am now, sharing this more broadly through cyberspace.

Here are a few additional wonders to help get your juices flowing:

I wonder what I might do on <xyz project> if I wasn’t worried about being judged?

I wonder what it would be like if I didn’t take care of other’s needs before my own?

I wonder what I would be doing if I really believed in myself?

I wonder who in my world would be up for wondering with me?

I wonder if it would serve me to make wondering a new go-to practice?

I wonder if I can be ok with knowing that sometimes the practice of wondering won’t lead to any breakthroughs or insights?

 

The list of possible wonders is infinite and certainly each of us has our own list of things to wonder about.


I wonder what you will wonder about? I wonder what that might lead to for you?


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